ILANG ARAW NA BA ANG NAKALIPAS SINCE..... AYUN

Tahimik ngayon ang aking buhay.

It's been months. And I don't know exactly the days count. I failed the defense. Marami akong hindi alam. Hindi alam dahil ako ay tinatamad pa.

Parang sakit. Sakit na matagal ko ng inuungol sa aking mga kaibigan. "Ranier... Hindi ko na makita ang sarili ko sa second semester.... Ranier..." 

Hindi ko alam na ilalaban ko ang hilaw kong utak sa harapan ng matatandang utak sa larangan ng aking kurso.

Habang ako ay nagpupuyat, hindi ko alam na nagaaksaya na ako ng panahon. Habang ako ay bumibili ng kagamitan, hindi ko alam na nagaaksaya na ako ng pera. Pero pinagkakasya ko lang ang lahat basta makatipid. Dahil na rin siguro, "alam ko na."

Umuwi noon dito si dadi galing UAE. Noon ay baguhang 5th year student na ako. Fresh one. Regular. Sa paggawa pa lang ng bawat chapter, umiiyak na ako sa problemang hindi ko kayang gawin to ng dibdiban. Sa mga nakakilala sakin noong bandang June, July, August dito sa myfacefriends, madalas akong magblog ukol sa hinanakit ko na hindi pa ako handa. Marahil nagsasawa na sila sa same old shout outs ko. Tanggap ko na noon pa na hindi ako isang magaling na estudyante. Ako ay may ugaling pagtitimbang sa pag-aaral.

Sabi ko kay dadi. Gusto ko muna itigil yung thesis ko. Tapusin ko muna ung minors and other majors, tapos next year na ako concentrated sa thesis.

Nagalit at lumuluha si daddy. Hindi sya pumayag. Alam ko. Maraming problemang personal ang bumabalot sa aming pamilya, dahilan na ako ay walang karapatang itigil ang thesis. Ibig sabihin, grumadweyt kana sa lalong madaling panahon!!

Syempre.. natalo ka na sa usapan. Umiiyak ako nun.. sobra. Kasi gusto ko talaga yung pinakamagandang plano kong naitaguyod sa loob ng kokote ko. Pero eto kasi sila. Kelangan na kelangan na. Nagmamadali. Nagmamadali.

Nagawa ko naman netong first semester.. Pero matapos ang first sem. Nakaramdam na ako. And i kept on punching the wall with my mind saying THE FUTURE IS BLURRY.

Galing sa status update ko sa facebuko, naghihimutok ako na nagsasabing BAKIT NGAUN MO LANG PINAPARAMDAM NA HINDI KA TLAGA PARA SAKIN? KUNG KELAN NSA DULO NA AKO... SAKA AKO NAGKAKAGANTO... T_T GOOD LUCK SAKIN.. SA FRIDAY

after my greatest crash and burn straight to the ground... i feel different. Well.. marami akong nararamdaman.

Pakiramdam ko ay sumugod ako ng walang armas. At napatay lamang dahil nadulas sa balat ng saging at nauntog sa sahig. Though, alam ko na ang lahat ng mangyayari. Dahil sa nararamdaman kong hindi talaga ako handa. Hindi ako kailanman naging handa sa defense. Natapos ko lahat ang drawing requirements. Para ano? Parang plate lang na ipapasa? Wala akong maramdaman noon kundi blangko.

Sa harap ng mga jury ay tinanggap ko ang sinabi ng prof namin na "You know nothing about architecture!" Tinagusan lang ako ng bala. Pero ilang bala ba. Baka machine gun ginamit. Tinagusan ako sa utak.

Tinatanggap ko ngayon ang salitang tanga bobo takot duwag sa lahat ng taong mangangahas na sabihin sakin to. Paki ko sa salita nyo. Masarap din naman maramdaman ang pagkakadapa. Dahil hindi tulad nila na nagpapanic at halos mamatay sa sobrang takot na magkamali sa buhay.

Til now, while cleaning my room, washing my clothes, kahit sa pagkain, minsan naisip ko. Bakit hindi ako nagsalita sa harap ng mga hurado bago magsimula ang lahat ng gisahan: SIR MA'AM PWEDE BANG 'WAG NA AKONG MAGDEFENSE? 

Paglabas ko ng room ay blangko lang ako. Sa harap ng mga sumuporta sakin ako ay tulala. Parang walang pakiramdam. Under drugs pa ako nun. Naka anti stress pa ako. Pero kelangan kong umiyak. Kelangan. Habang anjan pa sila sa harap ko, kelangan ko ng umiyak. Pero tinatanong ko. Kung hindi naman kayang lumuha, bakit kelangan kong umiyak kung wala ka naman nararamdaman na lungkot nung mga oras na yon?

Umiyak parin ako. Unti unti akong nagigising sa katotohanan. Unti unti kong nararamdaman ang pag-ulan, na nababasa na pala ang damit ko. Hindi ako isang architect in blood and in mind. Isa lang akong draftsman. Isa lang akong draftsman. Isa lang akong renderer. Isa lang akong illustrator. But never an architect.

I need time. I need greatest time that time itself will ever offer. A time under pressure. Pero for sure, this time shall be rendered lang dapat sa thesis. Huuuuurgh..

Dad said wag mong dibdibin ang nangyari.  Talagang ganyan ang field natin. Natin? I was never an architect dad.. 

Sa kabilang banda.. gumaganda ang hitsura ko.. ano? hindi..

Gumaganda ang pakiramdam ko.. Nakakapagrelax ako. Naaayos ko kaagad ang mga grades ko para next year maging ok na ang evaluation ko. Napaghahandaan ko ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ang pagbabasa ng libro. Pagbibigay ng 

Alam kong tamad naman talaga akong tao. Isang "Let it be" kid.

But for sure. I won't let this one slip out of my hands again. This time given to me, is for thesis only. Atleast natupad yung gusto ko. Yun nga lang, bakit kelangan ko pang madapa muna bago nila malaman na sugatan ako.

Hehehe... Pangarap kong matapos ang pag-aaral ko, then enroll ng panibagong course. This time, yung gusto ko na. All about geography and natural sciences. 

Rizal: Ang Mamatay ng Dahil Sa'yo

Ngayon ay malapit na uling matapos ang second semester.. sa aking curriculum, ay bahagyang "misplaced" ang subject na Rizal.

Nung highschool pa namin ito nai take. kanyang kaunting talambuhay, mga nagawa, naging syota, kung kelan sya ipinanganak, sino mga kapatid nya, ano ang kanyang mga tula, sino sina Gomburza, at bakit, kelan sya pinatay. Ganon na lang ng ganon. 

Nakakasawa. Bilang estudyanteng Pilipino, nakakasawa ang istilo ng pagtuturo ng subject naRizal unless major mo ito. Lintek kang source book ka. Ikaw na marahil ang pinakawalang kwentang materyales na hawak ng aming professor na mukha na ring ugat. Hindi malayong kabisado mo na ang nilalaman ng librong yon. Malamang, iyon at iyon lang din naman ang alam mo. No good to me.

I have read a portion of another source book. Why need to study Rizal in college pa? anu un? take two?

"Few students today know that the compulsory Rizal course they detest so much is due in large part of Recto. In the University of the Philippines, the Rizal course is coded as PI 100 or Philippine Institution 100, and I often hear it said that PI 100 actually means "P*t*ng In* 100". I don't blame them, because the main reason I agreed to teach this course way back in 1986 at De La Salle University was I didn't like the way it was taught to me and I had promised myself that my students will have an "alternative" way of dealing with Rizal in our past.

You cannot help but notice the resistance of students to the Rizal course on the first day of class -they make you feel how very useless they feel it in their lives. Then add to this the prevailing lie the Rizal was made national hero by the Americans over Bonifacio. This is why I open my classes with a lecture on how Recto fought tooth-and-nail to get the Rizal Bill passed into law in 1956. Since Recto is very much a nationalist icon, students stop grumbling and begin to listen."

-Ambeth R. Ocampo's RIZAL WITHOUT THE OVERCOAT

the moment i have read this part of the book, i was in a reality of having a bad professor over a good national hero. I can bet with anyone that the old man from Malacañang will not discuss furthermore about the issue of Jose Rizal's retraction.  I can see how he idolize Pepe, but does he know his very own author much agrees about the Rizal's retraction? thats bullsheet. How contradicting. It fails me to depend on such author with no honor.

A good movie of year 1999, Bayaning Third World allows us to criticize the Hero in being of Jose Rizal. All of how and why he was ripped off were the common stories, but one thing, the extraordinary of making a man of words to man of disgrace. I did see hoe it clearly states that humanity was against him, and will make him a falling walls of fortress. The movie showed that he "did" retract proving a letter, but, with no signature. hehehehe... grabe. Everyone knew he stands out against the church. It could have made that the document appeared before the archive room was forged, or could be, the signature was forged over the original document.

The letter of retraction sparked because Master Pepe wanted to marry Josephine Bracken.. San ba sila ikakasal, malamang sa simbahan. But since katunggali ni master ang simbahan, he needs to follow the friars' rule para lamang maikasal sila: the act of retraction, on paper. Ang maging isang katoliko.

Hindi ako against ke Rizal. He's a man, human. Tao lang din sya na nagmamahal. Nagnanais na magkaroon ng minamahal, at may magmamahal sa kanya ng wakas. Everyone turned their furious eyes to Ms. Bracken. She was the sum of all Rizal's fall. Taking back sa movie, she firmly saying that Joe [Jose] married her. Paiyak iyak sya, but! No other documents appeared before her, to prove that Rizal, did, marry her. Poor girl. I dunno. Rizal Sa Dapitan movie, showed that Ms. Bracken had a child with Joe, but then, namatay. Going back to Bayaning Third World, Ricky Davao personally asked Ms. Bracken is it true, that it was Rizal's, or could be from her blind stepfather, kasi 

lumitaw syempre yung sulat na yon.. Hehehe.. Eto.

I declare that I am a Catholic, and in this religion,

in which I was born and educated, I wish to live and die.
I retract with all my heart anything in my words, writings,

publications and conduct that has been contrary to my character as a child of the Church.

I believe and profess what it teaches.

I submit to what it demands.

I abominate Masonry as an enemy of the Church and as a society prohibited by it.
The Diocesan Prelate, as the superior ecclesiastical authority,

may make this manifestation public.

I declare this spontaneously, in order to repair any scandal

which my acts may have caused and so that God and man may pardon me.

Manila, December 29th, 1896.
Jose Rizal

a source blog said That is a beautiful piece of writing if you haven't noticed

base on his own expertise of understanding, Rizal was born a Catholic, was raised and educated as a Catholic, and lived a Catholic until he went to Europe. The blogger continued to examine, ending this line: (tanggalin ang mga achuchuchuchu)

‘I retract with all my heart anything ... that has been contrary to ... the Church.’

"One of these things would be his extreme ridicule of Catholic practice – by both priest and parishioner, master and slave, friar and Filipino – in the Philippines from the late 1870s to the late 1880s. And where do you find that ridicule? Right under your nose; even the students know where to look." -blogger

at the end of the blog, he agreed that the letter was non other than Rizal's, no doubt. He had his own opinion. "For his family, for his friends, for himself. I understand he said to one of the priests who accompanied him on his personal death march: 'My pride was my downfall.' And at the very end, what did he shout? ‘Consummatum est!’ It is finished! The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fit perfectly."

Malamang. Sino ba ang naghatid sa kanya? Mga kastila.  hindi ako pabor na nagbalik loob si Master Pepe sa simbahan. Syempre.. At young age his learning made his life rocky at mapanganib. He knew it ever since he had this kind of thinking.

Anonymous said It was obvious the recantation was a fabrication of the Catholic friars in connivance with the Spanish civilian authorities. But, [name of the blogger], the bone of contention is not Rizal's retraction or recantation or return to the faith. The issue was NEVER his religion. Our focus should be his cause, his struggle for his countrymen's freedom from colonial bondage.

Tanong sa Bayaning Third World, kung buhay ka pa kaya, anung magiging reaksyon mo na nagkaganto ang Pilipinas dahil sayo?

CCP GRASS NAP

parang napakasaya namin jan... naalala ko lang.. masayang masaya ako sa picture na yan kahit wala ako :) kasi ang ganda ng kulay :)

ang photo na yan, is actually a request of a friend of mine.. i dunno if its an official photo or mine, but still he can use this photo (without the caption)

friend ko naman sya eh :D hehehe

eto ung.. time na naghahanap na kami ng mga related studies for the thesis sa Design Center, CCP Complex... :) kahit.. mejo nagkakanda kumahog na kami sa aming kanya kanyang projects, masaya parin :)

Thinking

I HAVE LOTS OF DREAMS. BUT I'M TOO TAMAD TO STUDY. I THINK I CAN'T MAKE IT.

Thinking is faster than work.

Thinking can project plans, strategy leading or jumping 10 or 20, or hundreds of years from its starting point of  a moment, for a working progress. Thinking can produce problems gathered by the thinker's surroundings, and can produce answers with applied /critical analysis.

Work on the other hand, is what we call the execution of thinking, or the action.

Work is likely to be critical, due to changes, thinking may have decided, for its every step work has offered, thinking have to deal with major changes, slight abruptness and so on. Work can spend days and days, when thinking has to jump days and days advance. 

Thinking is what we call something that generates inside our minds, visualizing people, events, place and other whatevers.

For every individual, thinking is his foundation. Thinking shall lead him to knowing, a straight path, or dead end. This is the power of thinking; an individual's concern regarding his move or downfall. Thinking greatly affects the natural occurrence of weakness and strength in each and everyone of us. It follows whatever carries the individual.

Let's waste time together -the Free Life I've been Waiting

haven't felt this feeling...

i want to waste my time with him..

Travel places

laugh together

sing

share music on a single pod

stroll at the park

holding hands

kissing, nose to lips, forehead to cheeks.

That was a great feeling..

sat beneath a tree and wait for the tears to fall from the heavens

share single umbrella under an electrical storm

Watching sunset at a beach together

Eat street foods and bike around the park

burn some money on sweet carousel rides

and shout out alive for the twist and shout

take a picture

his smile

that launched another thousands in my life

sleep under the diamonds of the sky

warm each other, hug me so tight because we both forgot our jackets

make love*wew*

this is real.

this is Love :)

Mararamdaman mong sira na ang right click ng mouse

Sa mga oras na to, wala akong ginagawa kung hindi ang mag-isip. Ang itutok ang mga mata ng maigi sa monitor, kinakatakutan ko ang lumabo ang aking isang pares ng mata. Mahirap to.. Dumodoble ang paningin. Tumataba gawa ng matapang at matamis na kape. Woooooo nu ba yan.. Wala akong maramdaman ni isa.. Nauubusan lang ako ng oras. Kainis naman sabi ni Randy, "Nakakatawa ka naman, ORAS LANG ANG PINOPROBLEMA MO? HAHAHAH" burgis! Di naniniwala, sows... hehehe wala naman akong magagawa.. Kung pde lang lumipad REVERSELY AROUND THE WORLD, napipigilan ko ang oras... Kung nagkaklase ka sa lugar na binabanggit ko (kung nagets mo ako) e d, mahaba ang oras, although nakalipas na at mangyayari pa lang ang bukas sa ibang parte ng mundo.

Nkakapagod huminga, dahil alam kong pagod ako. Nag-aalala naman ako sa classmate kong dinalaw ng lagnat. Panu kaya siya. Ewan siguro mas magaling sya pag me lagnat. Ako ke meron o wala, mabagal. Perfectionista kasi masyado, laging dapat nasa mood gumawa. At natitigilan pag nag-iisip.

Ayaw ng maclick ung right button ng mouse... Patay.. Wag naman sana.

Architecturally thinking, Culturally Rejected: Discipline

para mo na ring pinahiya ang sariling lahi.

Kung idadahilan mo na gusto mong matuto ang mga Noypi na magkaroon ng malasakit sa mga facilities na gusto mong iplano, gawan ng disenyo, para ka lang nagdadrama sa harapan ng mga professor.

Aminin na natin. Mahilig tayo sa vandalism. Sa property damages. Kasi walang kaukulang matinding parusa na hindi ka lang matututo mula sa kahihiyan, kung hindi, pang habang buhay mo na itong dadalhin kasabay ng mga taong nakapaligid sa'yo.

Ang mga MMDA officers, pag wala sa paligid, ang mga jeepney drivers ibababa ka na sa maling bababaan. Pag hindi ka ibinaba sa tamang babaan, ang pasahero magmamaktol.

Ang mga security baggage checker, pag walang nakatingin, sos kahit wag ka ng magbukas ng bag.

Pag nakakita ka ng post na NO VANDALISM *on a cartolina paper posted on the wall* susulat ka ng permanent marker NO VANDALISM o SINABI NANG WAG KANG MAG VANDAL E

see? Masakit tanggapin na ang lahi natin ay walang DISIPLINA. Pano ko mabibigay bilang arkitektong STUDENT VERSION ang pinakamagandang design ng shopping mall musuem na posible talaga pero CULTURALLY REJECTED???

nakakainis. Maganda ang pananaw ng project. Pero Rejected ang concept. Kasi tayong mga Noypi ay walang DISIPLINA. Kaninang tanghali iniyakan ko ang nangyari. Although pasado ka. Pero pakiramdam ko binagsak ako. Kahit lang concept un, binago. Kasi hindi kayang ipagkatiwala ang design mo sa LAHAT LAHAT NG MGA PILIPINONG NABUBUHAY NA PUPUNTA SA MALL MUSEUM MO.

INIYAKAN KO ANG UGALI NG SARILI KONG BANSA